How to Introduce Sex Toys into Your Relationship
The introduction of sex toys into couple sex can open entirely new realms fun for everyone involved.
Toys do things our bodies simply cannot, like pulsating and vibrating. These new sensations can help many people have orgasmic experiences that are more consistent and frequent – or complex and intense. And the wide variety of experiences on offer can help couples keep their sex varied and interesting, which certainly helps maintain desire in long term relationships.
Sounds good, doesn’t it? But even if the taboos surrounding the use of sex toys in general fade, the sex counselor Aleece fosnight note that many are still hesitant to broach the idea of bringing a toy to bed with partners.
So why do we take a break when it comes to using sex toys with partners?
The reluctance often stems, at least in part, from persistent beliefs that toys are for solo play, while sex involves two people meeting all of each other’s wants and needs with their bodies alone, explains Fosnight.
Marketing that presents toys as substitutes for absent partners, or solutions to sexual problems, does not help, adds Amy boyajian toy manufacturer and retailer Wild flower. He leads people – especially straight cis men who rarely engage with toys – to see the interest in toys as an attack on their sexual performance, or as a sexual competition. (They definitely aren’t.) And Gretchen Leigh, a sex educator who works with toy retailer She Bop, note that people still worry about being weird, so rather than rocking the boat, they “assume that ‘this is what this person likes about sex’ and stay the course forever.”
How to have conversations about the sex toys we want to have – and better sex, too
Talking to partners about exploring sex toys doesn’t have to be intimidating or difficult. Half a dozen sex counselors, educators, and toy experts recently shared some key tips and tricks for tackling the problem painlessly and productively with Mashable.
Consider the moment
One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to present toys to their partners, these experts said, is trying to get them out. during sex. Unless you know your partner is comfortable with you and enjoys surprises during sex, Boyajian says, it “can leave them anxious and under pressure,” which can lead to insecurities or problems. Conflicts.
Instead, set aside time outside of sex for a conversation about bringing toys into your game. “It’s easy to do in a new relationship,” says sex therapist. Queen carol. This is when, ideally, you will already be openly talking about your sexual preferences and can just use toys in these discussions. But talking about sexual preferences requires a level of vulnerability that not everyone feels comfortable with at first. Even those who don’t think or don’t feel able at the start of discussions to specifically address toys.
And it’s good. There is no such thing as an optimal time in a relationship to talk about sex toys. Months or even years later, once you start having more open and regular conversations about your sexual wants and needs, you can bring up the subject of toys. If you’ve never had a conversation like this, mentioning toys might be a good anchor to open up a larger, intimate dialogue. If you don’t know how to start that first conversation, Fosnight recommends pitching it as an idea you came across in an article, in an online chat, or in a chat with a friend.
WATCH: 5 Ways To Safely Clean Your Sex Toys
Don’t criticize and apologize
No matter when or how you start the conversation, try not to tie your interest in toys to explicit criticism or frustration with the sex you are currently having. This will directly play on any potential underlying insecurities your partner might have.
Don’t apologize or fear your own desires, as this is a good way to create anxiety and stress on one or both sides of the conversation. Instead, try “coming from a place of exploration,” suggests Boyajian, in which sex toys are one of the many exciting things you can try out together to see what you can add to your sex life. , to bring you both new and great experiences. “Most of us want our partners to have fun during sex and will be ready to seek higher forms of pleasure together,” Leigh notes.
Don’t force the idea
If your partner isn’t open to the conversation or the idea, don’t push toys over him or with ultimatums. Instead of, Jenni skyler, a sex therapist who works with adult retail giant Adam & Eve, suggests trying to talk, then or later, about why the idea makes them uncomfortable, and then come up with ways to respond to fears or stigmas about toys or the sex they may harbor.
Be really open to the idea of exploration
If your partner is interested in exploring the potential of toys, try not to dictate what it will look like – what toys you are going to use together and how you are going to use them. Instead, keep talking, in that first conversation and later, about the types of sensations you both enjoy or want to explore and how you might see toys playing in the sex you already have. Encourage each other to think outside the box of genital stimulation. Talk about how your ideas overlap or differ. From this place of understanding, you can begin to delve deeper into the toys.
You or your partner may already have one or more toys that you use on your own that you can’t wait to explore together. In this case, Fosnight recommends that the partner with a toy put him to bed at an agreed time and show how he uses it on himself, then guide his partner, verbally or physically, to join in or explain how. try. use the toy on top of each other.
You might also want to explore new toys together, to find something that matches your unique dynamic as a duo. Boyajian recommends turning toy hunting and shopping into a couple’s activity, a chance to create intimacy, excitement and mutual expectations. But Leigh cautions against the trap of simply exploring the toys marketed for couples. There is a tonne of online guides, some backed by experts in sexual health. Yet, they “are by no means guaranteed to work better for couples than any other toy,” she explains.
In fact, many are built on assumptions about the anatomy of their users and try to stimulate both parties at the same time. The same type of stimulation rarely works for two people at the same time, and many people actually enjoy using a toy. at their partners – watching their partner use a toy or masturbate each other with two different toys – more than the two-part stimulation offered.
“Any toy can potentially be used as a couples toy,” Leigh points out. Of course, with so many toys to choose from, the selection can be overwhelming. Remember, there is no rush. Take your time to explore your options together: read toy reviews, consult with friends and experts, and once you’ve purchased one or more toys, explore ways to use them.
Some points of sale ostensibly published definitive guides on how couples can use various toys. But as long as you are safe (for example, do not put toys without flared base up to your anus and using ample toy safe lubricant during any insertion game), “then you have to make the rules,” Boyajain emphasizes. “If it feels good, then it’s good for you!”
And have fun with
“Be prepared to laugh at the toy and at yourself,” Skyler adds, because sometimes, inevitably, your experiments won’t work. This can be frustrating, because toys certainly don’t come cheap. You can however find good guides online to functional, body-safe toys that will help you embark on broad rounds of exploration with a partner – without breaking the bank.
And remember that even when things aren’t going perfectly or as planned, this is part of the journey you take with your partner and can also help bring you closer together.
And that’s all! Follow these simple and flexible steps and you’ll be on your way to the vast and wonderful world of toy-enhanced couple sex.
From our team to you, have fun exploring.